I need a man like Derek Sheppard. Yeah yeah, he’s fiction and shit. I get that. However his patience with Meredith is what I need. I run, I push people away, and I don’t think I deserve to actually be happy. I need a man to deal with my irrationalities and stick around through everything.
I found a man similar to him: older, sexy, an overall GOOD man. Maybe it wasn’t right, maybe I went to far in my ability to push people away, but either way it ended and he’s gone.
I needed patience when mine were gone. I needed rational thinking when mine was clouded by fear. I needed forgiveness when I made mistakes.
For now? I’m okay with being alone. I’ll always forgive myself and acknowledge my irrational moments when rationality returns. I like me. I like it being just me. In the end, we’re the only person we can trust anyway.
I’ve had the ex that wouldn’t let it go and would call to remind me of what we had. I’ve also had the ex that I haven’t spoken to since our breakup. I honestly don’t know which is worse.